Think happy. Be happy.

I wrote an article for another blog a few months ago - well more like 8(ish) months - and it was basically about waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was insanely happy with every single aspect of my life. Every. Single. Thing. And so naturally I started over-analyzing it all and wondering when the perfect illusion would be shattered. The foreshadowing of it all is crazy - but it makes me so angry that I chose to be negative about my happiness rather than bask in it all.

I read this quote once, it said: "I think we like to complicate things when it is really quite simple; find what it is that makes you happy and who it is that makes you happy and you're set." How apt, really. I can't tell you how much time I've spent complicating my own life when I could have just been content. There's no use in waiting for that other shoe to drop because trust me, the time spent after that's happened will be the worst time in your life, no use feeling that way until it's right there in your face. 

I believe that I will be happy again - and I know that when that day comes, I will not feel anything but good, I won't take it for granted. I wish that I learned this lesson under different circumstances, but nevertheless it's still an important lesson to be learned. 

Sometimes life is just awesome. Sometimes everything falls perfectly into place. Accept it, don't challenge it, and smile.

P.S. Happy Halloween :] stay safe & dry!

Creating my own dictionary

As I was contemplating what to write about for this post I began thinking about what I really want to make this blog about. I don't ever want to write about a topic that I'm not passionate about or something that I don't have a lot to say about. I want each post to be very real and very heartfelt.

That being said, I've recently found myself pondering different word meanings. Below I asked what "living" really means - well, what does anything really mean. There are so many words that have a definition completely unique to the person using them. For someone who hasn't experienced loss or heartache or failure, living very well may be the "large" things.

Another big word that, for me, has no concrete definition is "happiness". I know, I know - everyone knows what happiness is, or should be. However, as sad/depressing as this is going to sound, happiness for me would mean one thing: having Alex alive and here with me. I know that can't happen, so what does that mean about my definition of happiness? It means that I've had to re-look the entire word, the feelings the word evokes, and how I choose to define it.

I think there's a big difference between "happy" and "happiness". A lot of things still make me happy (Taylor Swift's new CD, pinterest, dressing up as the Eiffel Tower), but the things that make me experience the emotion of happiness also tend to make me sad (bittersweet one might say). There are times when I experience huge waves of happiness, but they're almost immediately followed by even bigger waves of sadness because I can't share it with the one person who would appreciate my happiness most. And I don't mean that in a negative context, but I'm sure other people can relate to this - when your boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband is sososo happy, you are too! 

But obviously what would define happiness for me right now isn't what a million other people would choose. It makes me sad that there are people who have everything they need to experience happiness right in front of them but they choose to be angry or misunderstood or what have you. I think it's so important to take stock of your life - if you have the tools for happiness - use them. Not having Alex here made it hard at first to appreciate who was still here. I look around now and can feel love from so many different people, and they do, they really do, make me happy. But I'm not sure if I can honestly say that knowing that makes me experience happiness, or maybe it does, but it also makes me experience more heartbreak (again with the bittersweet).

Take a look around, take a look at yourself - are you experiencing happiness, or are you just happy with certain aspects of your life? Life is short, this we all know for certain, live it with purpose and choose to live it with the people who make you so happy your face hurts from smiling.

Living After Loving

Living after loving - does anyone else go straight to Cher's "do you believe in life after love"? Alison, I know you do! (it's okay if you don't, we're a little strange.)

That one thought poses a hundred different questions/thoughts/feelings for me. I know that I have a different take on it; for me it's not about a breakup, it's about continuing to live with essentially unrequited love. There will never be any sort of "closure" (if there ever really is), there were no goodbyes, no sense of finality.Yet I still have to find a way to "live after loving" and I've found that it really is about the small things. I'm not able to see the bigger picture right now, and truthfully just the thought of that stresses me out, but that's okay! It's about getting up and going to work, or going to visit family and friends. It's about maybe not leaving the house, but enjoying a bubble bath and reading countless fashion magazines.

I find that a lot of times people are judged for "not really living" but how can anyone really define what "living" means? The first time after everything happened that I was able to eat an entire meal, I can't tell you the amount of people who praised me - and it felt odd then, but now looking back, it was a sign of me living again. When someone so close to you, someone you love with your entire being, dies - a part of you goes with them. So being able to eat an entire meal - man, was I living. (and now I'm back to eating my three - okay five- meals a day!)

I think that people misconstrue what really living is all about. It's not always about doing the biggest, bravest,  best most dangerous things. I used to be one of those people, until the smallest (and I mean smallest) tasks seemed so daunting and big to me. When people say to me, "let's really live!", I want to say "what do you think we're doing right now?" I know my point of view is a lot different but I think it's important to count the little things, and not take them for granted. 

So what does living after loving mean to me? It means writing this blog, it means becoming social again, accepting invitations for dinner parties, it means playing cards with my Nanny, it means waking up every morning and choosing to get up and trying to stay positive. It doesn't mean doing crazy things (although if someone wants to bungee jump with me, I'm down), it doesn't mean "getting over" Alex and our relationship, it doesn't mean taking down his pictures. 

Count your blessings friends, and take a moment to remember the little things! :]

Love, love, love

I made a tumblr site last year and it look me so long to come up with a name for it. I settled on, surprise, Love is not a maybe thing! When creating this blog I realized how odd that that title applied to me then and it still does now. (Odd because not much else is the same.) 

I heard the phrase for the first time years ago (it's an LC quote for any fans of The Hills) and the truth in it is really incredible. We've all had relationships where you think you're in love, but maybe you're too scared or insecure to say it (been there) but as cliché as it is, when you know you know (you know?)! Love isn't something you should feel insecure about - you should want to scream it at the top of your lungs, you should want to say it to that person, to your friends, to your family, to random people on the bus (although they probably won't care as much as the other people). 

I can honestly say that I've had that kind of love with Alex. It wasn't a maybe thing, we both knew pretty early on that is was love - real, honest, fast, silly, passionate, meaningful love. There were no maybes, no if's, no hesitation. When he first told me that he loved me, and I said it back (almost before he could finish the sentence) the look on his face was enough to make me fall in love all over again. His smile radiated through him, he was so so happy (as was I), and he just started repeating it: I love you, I love you, I love you! And then came the, you love me back's! We were so amazed with each other, to have that kind of bursting--at-the-seams love and have it reciprocated - it's amazing. And honestly, I can look back now and smile and realize how lucky I am (not was, am). To know beyond a shadow of a doubt that someone loves you as much as you love them is a gift. To be able to "fight" about who loves who more - are you serious? How lucky are we? We ended every night saying I love you, I love you more, I love you most, I love you more than most, etc etc. It was silly and special and a million other things.

 I feel so blessed that Alex and I shared a great love. Yes, it's hard not to think of the things we didn't get to do, places we didn't get to see, experiences we won't ever have - but man, did we love. I hope that you (whoever you are!) get to have that someday. No one should settle for a "maybe" love.

Alex & I in Bermuda, August 2012

As I mentioned above, I've been wanting to create this blog for quite some time. I would always start and then end up wondering what in the world I could write about that other people would actually enjoy reading. 

Up until a few months ago I would have categorized myself as a pretty typical young 20-something: Working, partying, living with best friends and dating the love of my life. I took it all a bit for granted, I've come to realize that now. I was so happy and, aside from the usual issues, had nothing to complain about. I come from a loving and happy family, I have the most amazing girlfriends in the world, I have a full-time well paying job, and I had the nicest, kindest, smartest, most handsome perfect boyfriend. And then one Friday night at the end of summer, my world collapsed around me. My boyfriend had spent the summer in Bermuda teaching sailing to young kids (talk about adorable!) and when I hadn't heard from him in over 24 hours, I decided to call him (we didn't call, only Facebook message and Skype while he was away). By chance, I called his home number rather than cell and found myself talking to his mom (at 1:30am) and apologizing for calling so late. Little did I know that she had just received the news that would alter our lives forever. Our beloved Alex had died. 

The next two (three, four, five) weeks passed in a blur of grief and numbness. With this blog I want to share my thoughts and emotions as I start living and feeling again. Grief is unpredictable and it's something that everyone experiences at some point in their lives, in some way or another. Some days are bad, some are unimaginably sad, and some are almost good. Ever since I was a little girl I've needed a creative outlet - so here goes!

 Thanks for stopping by!