Lately I've found myself thinking about my world versus the worlds of those
around me. It's hard to believe that the happiest moment in my sister's life
(so far) happened in the same year as the worst moment in mine. She got
married, my friends got engaged, other friends were married and it really
brings a clearer definition to the phrase "life goes on". Just when
it felt like my world ended, someone else’s had just begun.
I remember thinking that I couldn't wait for this year to be over, and now
that it's quickly approaching I keep wanting to make it last longer. As strange
as it may sound, Alex was here in 2012 - he won't be in 2013. We had some of
the best times this past year - we went to Cuba, we went snowboarding, we made
homemade pizzas, we celebrated his iron ring, we made a silly music video, we
celebrated our birthdays together, we had ten incredible days in Bermuda, the
list goes on and on. I won't have any memories with him in the New Year, and
that's a terrifying feeling.
Terrifying as it is though, it's my reality. I don't have any other options,
no second choices; I just have to learn to accept that this is life. And life
goes on and it doesn't stop moving for anyone and there's a haunting beauty in
that realization.
Merry Christmas everyone!
I hope that everyone is spending time with their loved ones and holding them close. I'm going to try my hardest to focus on who I have with me and remember those who I've lost with smiles and stories.
However, as hard as I try, I know that it will be tough. This time last year I was so excited not only for Christmas with my family, but to take a trip to New Brunswick to meet Alex's family for the first time. So much has changed in a year, and remembering last Christmas is especially hard. But, as I said, I'm thinking of all of the cute stories and I find myself smiling at them. I had a nap on Alex's couch and he just sat there and held my hand the entire time. We opened our presents with his family there and it was such a special experience. We went for a two hour walk in the woods and had to resort to "Marco Polo" to find each other (I'm a drifter).
So on one hand, it's an incredibly lonely time of the year for me. But on the other hand, I have all of these memories to keep my heart full. And I have my family (and my family of friends) and his to remind me that there are still reasons to smile.
Once again, Merry Christmas - I hope Santa is good to everyone : )!
It's that time of year again - my absolute favorite time. Well, it used to be anyway. This year I'm having a lot of mixed emotions about the holidays; ranging from "Omg Christmas!/snow!/vacation!" to "...Christmas...yay...". I think I know I'm "supposed" to be excited, but I'm not sure if I'm actually feeling it. Just thinking of having to be cheery and smiley for so many different events is making me anxious. What if I'm having an off day? What if all I want to do is lay in bed and read old texts from Alex? How am I going to handle the expectations of this holiday season?
It's a weird feeling - this not-feeling-anything-for-Christmas feeling - I'm definitely not used to it. I've been playing Christmas music for longer than I'd care to admit; I've decorated a ton; I've started my lists and shopping, and still nothing. Well, I shouldn't say nothing. I feel sad, lonely, and if I'm being honest (which I usually am) guilty. I'm scared that I'm going to let down my friends / co-workers /
family this year - I don't want to be sad and have my sadness spill over
into their happiest time of the year.
I (clearly) don't have an answer for myself. But maybe that's because
there is no right answer. I think (I know) that everyone handles
situations differently. This is the first major holiday I've had to
face, and maybe it won't be so bad ... maybe it will be.
