This post was inspired by one dream, and one text saying "...I wish that one could happen in real life, but if it can't, at least a girl can dream". The dream was a good one - a great one even. I was on a sail boat with Alex and his sister, and everything was easy, warm and nice. The laughter was natural, the sun was intense, the feelings and sensations felt so real. I'm not sure if anyone can relate, but I've only ever had two dreams that felt so very real - and yet I always know that I am dreaming.
The first one was about one month after Alex died, and it was him telling me that although he was gone, he would never really leave me. I asked him if he was dead, and he said yes. Before that, I was pretty deep in denial, and I felt like that was Alex's way of helping me resurface and breathe again. Before Alex died, if someone would have told me that dreams could do that, I'm not sure that I would have believed them. And while this first dream was scary and really shook me, I am grateful for Alex's visit to me.
I really have no idea what any of this means, but I do know that those two specific dreams were different than any other. I dream of Alex every.single.night, and I can only hold on to them for a few minutes in the morning until they start to drift away. These two though, they are always with me. Not just the memory of what happened, but also the memory of how everything felt - how the sun was so hot, and how Tasha and I were sitting side by side so that our arms touched, like they always seem to do when we're together.
I think the reason that I think of them so often (well the first one, since the second happened only last night) is because it really is all I can get. I have my memories, and my pictures, and my stories, but I have nothing new. And so I hold on to dreams - they become my new memories. This is the only new part of Alex I have from this year. It may make me sound hokey but I am so beyond that - in my own little dreamland, one might say.
