Creating my own dictionary

As I was contemplating what to write about for this post I began thinking about what I really want to make this blog about. I don't ever want to write about a topic that I'm not passionate about or something that I don't have a lot to say about. I want each post to be very real and very heartfelt.

That being said, I've recently found myself pondering different word meanings. Below I asked what "living" really means - well, what does anything really mean. There are so many words that have a definition completely unique to the person using them. For someone who hasn't experienced loss or heartache or failure, living very well may be the "large" things.

Another big word that, for me, has no concrete definition is "happiness". I know, I know - everyone knows what happiness is, or should be. However, as sad/depressing as this is going to sound, happiness for me would mean one thing: having Alex alive and here with me. I know that can't happen, so what does that mean about my definition of happiness? It means that I've had to re-look the entire word, the feelings the word evokes, and how I choose to define it.

I think there's a big difference between "happy" and "happiness". A lot of things still make me happy (Taylor Swift's new CD, pinterest, dressing up as the Eiffel Tower), but the things that make me experience the emotion of happiness also tend to make me sad (bittersweet one might say). There are times when I experience huge waves of happiness, but they're almost immediately followed by even bigger waves of sadness because I can't share it with the one person who would appreciate my happiness most. And I don't mean that in a negative context, but I'm sure other people can relate to this - when your boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband is sososo happy, you are too! 

But obviously what would define happiness for me right now isn't what a million other people would choose. It makes me sad that there are people who have everything they need to experience happiness right in front of them but they choose to be angry or misunderstood or what have you. I think it's so important to take stock of your life - if you have the tools for happiness - use them. Not having Alex here made it hard at first to appreciate who was still here. I look around now and can feel love from so many different people, and they do, they really do, make me happy. But I'm not sure if I can honestly say that knowing that makes me experience happiness, or maybe it does, but it also makes me experience more heartbreak (again with the bittersweet).

Take a look around, take a look at yourself - are you experiencing happiness, or are you just happy with certain aspects of your life? Life is short, this we all know for certain, live it with purpose and choose to live it with the people who make you so happy your face hurts from smiling.