Missing him is dark blue, all alone.

Today I was hit with a hard realization: it has been six months since I have lived without Alex. Six months since I've heard his voice, six months that I've been alone, six months of being sad. Most days I choose to think of how far I (we've) come, and how proud Alex would be of all those who he loves. But today I chose to be sad. I'm choosing right now to revel in my sadness - to take a few hours and feel the hurt. I feel like I'm constantly trying to be positive and it's getting exhausting. I hope think it's okay (healthy) to take a day to be selfishly sad - not even a day, just a few hours.

I'm finding it harder and harder to be understanding and level-headed lately, and I think it's because I'm using all of my energy on trying to become happy again. I haven't considered just being sad. I don't like to appear weak to my friends/family/co-workers - and I really don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. And so I've been "happy" when really all I needed was to be sad. I need to start realizing that some people are going to take it the wrong way - when I don't appear to be over-joyed by something, they will take it personally, when in reality, I'm just finding it hard to not be crying constantly. It won't be everyday, but on days (weeks) like today, I need to just be sad.

Grief is something that no two people experience the same way. It has no time limits, no rules, no right or wrong way. It's deep and it's dark and it's lonely - but it's okay. It's natural, and it's healthy, and it's something that everyone has to work through in their own way. Each time I sit and think about my "journey" through grief, my outlook is different is some small way. Which I suppose is a good thing. Change is a good thing and it's really the only constant in life.

It's Love Day

Since today is Valentine's Day I thought I would tell a few love stories from mine and Alex's time spent together. We weren't really "Valentine's Day people" - but nevertheless, today is making me think of all of our wonderful dates and the love that we shared.

For my birthday last year Alex asked me what I wanted and I said that I would like a surprise party. He said that I couldn't have one because I wasn't supposed to ask for one (even though the year before I asked for a goat and he took me to a goat farm!) - he then found out that he would be in Bermuda for it anyway. Alex decided that he would give me a party, and it actually would be a surprise since it had to happen ten days before my actual birthday. He got in touch with all of our good friends and they helped him plan the best surprise! Everything went perfect - he took me out for drinks while all of my friends were at my house decorating and preparing. Everything was so thoughtful and made me feel extremely special.
                                                    

Alex & I at the party

My best friends & I after the surprise!

When we found out that Alex would be in Bermuda for the summer, we immediately starting planning my trip to go see him! On my first full day there he took me on the most amazing date. We started off by packing up a lunch and biking down to the boat club. From there, we took out small sail boat (my first time sailing!) and sailed to a deserted island. We spent the afternoon swimming, eating, boat-watching, and planning our life in Bermuda. After only my first day there I was intent on moving there permanently (if you've been there, you understand). It was my definition of a perfect date! 

The boat we sailed

Our view from where we picnicked

I have so many amazing memories and I'm incredibly grateful that we made the most of each day we had together.