"And in great decay comes great renewal. Life finds a way out of the darkest spots." - Tyler Knott Gregson
August 17th marked the anniversary of Alex's death. I took the day to be with the people I am closest to (and who Alex was closest to), and together we made it to the 18th. The week that followed can be described as hellish, at best, maybe one of the worst weeks I've had all year.
For the last few months I've been feeling almost as if I had two separate lives ... one where I was still coping and taking my time with everything, and one where I was pressuring myself to feel things I wasn't yet ready to feel. I guess I shouldn't say wasn't ready, because I thought I was, but looking back with some perspective, I can see that I should have went about things in a different way.
For the past year I have been training myself to not think of the future- it was too difficult. Recently, someone asked me where I saw myself in five years- a normal question, I suppose. But not for me. I was unable to answer with anything other than "happy". In five years, I want to be happy. I can't define that right now, but I think it's a good goal. It's also a goal that, at times, feels unattainable, especially when my answer to that question resulted in harsh backlash.
My biggest struggle right now is figuring out who I now am- in small ways I'm the exact same as I was before, but in very real and very large ways I am completely different. I see things in ways that most other 24 year old people don't. I feel like I have experienced things that are much bigger than I am, and in focusing on that, I've missed out on a lot of normal young-adult life struggles. I don't know how to deal with normal.
Then again, I'm not sure I want to settle for "normal". I've had great love, and great loss ... and there was nothing normal about either of them. But I wouldn't trade my loss for anything, because before the heartache and grief, there was perfect bliss.
