"Do more of what makes you happy"
"If you're not happy with what you have, change it"
I'm sure we have all either said, read, or wrote some form of those two
quotes. I see a version of them all the time on pinterest, on facebook, in
books. They always seemed to make perfect sense to me - until my world view
shifted and I was seeing everything from a completely new perspective. I think
what more people should say/believe is "FIND what makes you happy ...
SEARCH for something that you enjoy ..." and don't sweat it if you're not
sure what that is yet. If you're lucky enough to know what you want in life,
know for certain, then kudos to you (seriously, I'm jealous, that is amazing) -
but for the rest of us it's not that easy.
I think what makes someone happy changes daily - which makes perfect sense
to me. You change daily. The person you are today is different than the person
you were yesterday. Maybe only slightly, maybe a whole lot - but you have
changed - the day has affected you in some way or another. I'm not trying to
say that just because yesterday you ate strawberries and that made you happy
that today you would turn your nose up at them. I'm trying to say that, in the
bigger picture, you are different. You may not notice it in your day-to-day
life, but look back a year later and see what's changed.
"Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back
everything is different..." - C.S. Lewis (isn't it funny that the entire
above paragraph can be summed up in this one quote!?) ;)
Instead of me sitting here writing about this, I'm going to actively take my
own advice. I am going to start searching for things that make me happy. I have
my current list (writing, reading, fashion, anything Paris-related, etc.)
however, I want to take that list and dig deeper into it. I write in this blog
now, I write in my journals but maybe I'll find that I enjoy writing fiction
more. I want to read a new book every month - a book that I normally wouldn't
be drawn to and if I find that I truly enjoy it, then that's something I can
add to my list. If I don't, then no harm done, I'm just a little more well-read.
I want to continue searching every day - I don't want to look back at this
year and see only my grief and sadness. I want to see something good come from
this, something productive and beneficial. I hope that you start your own
search - FIND what it is that makes you happy, but don't stop there. Look
again, search for something new - don't settle.
I want to share a lovely compliment I received about my blog:
"I love it because it's Sara. It's a glimpse into your soul."
I write because it helps me work through things and to understand my feelings better, but it's nice to know that I am conveying what goes on in this crazy head of mine. This blog has helped me A LOT - not only to understand certain things, but to mark my progress and my steps - my journey.
Today would have been mine and Alex's anniversary - I guess it always will be. Neither of us were "anniversary" people - we celebrated our birthdays and Christmas, but that was really it. This time last year was just another day and now it feels a lot more significant. I was expecting it to be terrible, but all it's left me with is a numb feeling about it all. It's almost as if I'm back in week three when I knew and understood everything that had happened, but it had yet to sink in.
Oddly enough, my anxiety over this day was worse than the day itself. Unfortunately that fits into a pattern; I worry about certain days (or events) before they get here and then once they pass I worry about why I didn't fall apart. It's become quite the vicious circle, one that I'm not sure how to break out of (yet).
Looking back on the past five months leaves a mix of emotions for me - in some ways, I've come so far but in others, it's almost as if I've taken a few steps back. I have no idea what the normal grieving process consists of, but I choose to believe that I'm doing just fine!
Lately I've found myself questioning and pondering the importance of things
- of activities, of events, of pretty much everything I do, say or think. One
of my resolutions for this year is to be kind. To be kind to myself, to others,
to just simply be kind. It sounds simple enough I suppose, but then I started
thinking of the importance of it all. I've found that it's easier to be kind to
others than it is to be kind to yourself. All of my life I've heard "treat
others as you wish to be treated", which I always try to do. But I
realized that maybe I was treating others a bit better than I was myself (or so
I thought), without even knowing it.
In every book I've read recently (grief/coping books) it says, without fail,
be good to yourself. Be gentle. Be kind. My first reaction is always, well ...
of course I'm kind to myself, why wouldn't I be? But as I started digging
through that statement I found that it goes further and deeper than I ever
imagined. For a long time (about three months) every time I got the
uncontrollable urge to cry (not dainty tears, but huge aching sobs) I supressed
it - I thought that by not crying and giving in to my grief that I was moving
forward, I was healing.
I was wrong (trust me, that's hard to admit). I was being so unkind to
myself, and not listening to what my mind/body was so frantically trying to
tell me. I wasn't moving through anything, I was ignoring it all. (Hello
denial). It wasn't until one night (and maybe a few drinks later) that it all
came crashing down. Instead of giving in to myself, I was pushing someone very
important away. I didn't realize I was doing it - I was mortified. I wasn't
being a very nice person, and I didn't know how to stop it. In the days that
followed I did some, for lack of a better term, soul-searching. I came to terms
that I was in denial. I vowed to not let that happen again.
It is important to feel everything that you're feeling when you're grieving.
Give in to the dull ache; cry when you need to; laugh when something is funny
and don't feel guilt over any of it. There are no correct ways to do any of
this, to live with your loss, to work past certain things, to understand that they're
not coming back. The thing I'm trying to remember (and to never forget) is that
just because you're hurting now doesn't mean other people should be. And
feeling hurt and sad doesn't mean that you're being unkind to yourself.
I made a list of everything I'm doing to be kind to myself (crying when I
need to; reading for pleasure again; going to the gym; eating breakfast every
day; writing down the attributes I admire most about the people in my life;
etc., etc.) and it has honestly helped a lot. I'm still a firm believer in
treating others as you wish to be treated, and I now feel that I can understand
that concept more fully. If you're not first good to yourself, how can you
except to be good to others?
I hope that everyone enjoyed a very happy New Year's, and I wish everyone
nothing but the best in this upcoming year!
