As I find myself moving through all that the past several months has brought me, I'm beginning to recognize a lot of my feelings/thoughts more clearly. At first everything came in as either anger or sadness- there wasn't anything in between, if I wasn't crying because I was sad, I was crying tears of anger. Now, as I continue deciphering all of the thoughts in my head, I can determine the different levels of each emotion that arises in me. Anger isn't just anger; it's either frustration, or loneliness, etc.
I've also come to realize that so many feelings overlap with each other, and it's almost impossible to keep my thoughts straight most of the time. The most upsetting, at this particular moment in my life, is not having that certain companionship to share all of my happiest moments with. Sharing good news with Alex was almost as if I got to experience everything a second time. When I was happy, he was not only happy for me, he was happy himself. He took on my emotions as best as he could, and it was in such an honest and genuine way.
It's hard now when something happens to me and I automatically want to tell him and then I remember that I can't- it brings down my happy mood to a sad one. It doesn't happen every single time, but it happens enough for me to sit here and wonder about it. And it's not just the happy moments I want to share- it's when I discover a new place, or a new development in a story we were interested in and now it's just me who knows, not him.
I guess that what that comes down to is life goes on- and it's going on without him. That's a tough thing to say (write), never mind accepting it.
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