A New Beginning

Lately I've found myself questioning and pondering the importance of things - of activities, of events, of pretty much everything I do, say or think. One of my resolutions for this year is to be kind. To be kind to myself, to others, to just simply be kind. It sounds simple enough I suppose, but then I started thinking of the importance of it all. I've found that it's easier to be kind to others than it is to be kind to yourself. All of my life I've heard "treat others as you wish to be treated", which I always try to do. But I realized that maybe I was treating others a bit better than I was myself (or so I thought), without even knowing it.

In every book I've read recently (grief/coping books) it says, without fail, be good to yourself. Be gentle. Be kind. My first reaction is always, well ... of course I'm kind to myself, why wouldn't I be? But as I started digging through that statement I found that it goes further and deeper than I ever imagined. For a long time (about three months) every time I got the uncontrollable urge to cry (not dainty tears, but huge aching sobs) I supressed it - I thought that by not crying and giving in to my grief that I was moving forward, I was healing.

I was wrong (trust me, that's hard to admit). I was being so unkind to myself, and not listening to what my mind/body was so frantically trying to tell me. I wasn't moving through anything, I was ignoring it all. (Hello denial). It wasn't until one night (and maybe a few drinks later) that it all came crashing down. Instead of giving in to myself, I was pushing someone very important away. I didn't realize I was doing it - I was mortified. I wasn't being a very nice person, and I didn't know how to stop it. In the days that followed I did some, for lack of a better term, soul-searching. I came to terms that I was in denial. I vowed to not let that happen again.

It is important to feel everything that you're feeling when you're grieving. Give in to the dull ache; cry when you need to; laugh when something is funny and don't feel guilt over any of it. There are no correct ways to do any of this, to live with your loss, to work past certain things, to understand that they're not coming back. The thing I'm trying to remember (and to never forget) is that just because you're hurting now doesn't mean other people should be. And feeling hurt and sad doesn't mean that you're being unkind to yourself.

I made a list of everything I'm doing to be kind to myself (crying when I need to; reading for pleasure again; going to the gym; eating breakfast every day; writing down the attributes I admire most about the people in my life; etc., etc.) and it has honestly helped a lot. I'm still a firm believer in treating others as you wish to be treated, and I now feel that I can understand that concept more fully. If you're not first good to yourself, how can you except to be good to others?

I hope that everyone enjoyed a very happy New Year's, and I wish everyone nothing but the best in this upcoming year!