January 21st.

I want to share a lovely compliment I received about my blog: 

"I love it because it's Sara. It's a glimpse into your soul." 

I write because it helps me work through things and to understand my feelings better, but it's nice to know that I am conveying what goes on in this crazy head of mine. This blog has helped me A LOT - not only to understand certain things, but to mark my progress and my steps - my journey.

Today would have been mine and Alex's anniversary - I guess it always will be. Neither of us were "anniversary" people - we celebrated our birthdays and Christmas, but that was really it. This time last year was just another day and now it feels a lot more significant. I was expecting it to be terrible, but all it's left me with is a numb feeling about it all. It's almost as if I'm back in week three when I knew and understood everything that had happened, but it had yet to sink in. 

Oddly enough, my anxiety over this day was worse than the day itself. Unfortunately that fits into a pattern; I worry about certain days (or events) before they get here and then once they pass I worry about why I didn't fall apart. It's become quite the vicious circle, one that I'm not sure how to break out of (yet). 

Looking back on the past five months leaves a mix of emotions for me - in some ways, I've come so far but in others, it's almost as if I've taken a few steps back. I have no idea what the normal grieving process consists of, but I choose to believe that I'm doing just fine!