Ever since I boarded the plane to Mexico 3 weeks ago, I have been feeling so.much.lighter. I have experienced this feeling one other time, and it's honestly as if I left a dark, lonely, sad person at home and became a brighter, happier version of myself (hello, Vitamin D). I have a new energy, a new zest for experiencing different things and a different outlook on certain situations. For example...
Have you ever had a moment when you knew that something pivotal was going to happen? Something fairly ordinary, yet you knew (could almost feel) it was going to be a significant moment? I am happy to say that I have. It's almost as if there's a charge in the air, and no one else can feel it- it's entirely personal, and that fact just makes you savor it that much more. There's something so empowering about being alone in a moment, even if you're not alone at all, and knowing that you've come this far and yet there's still so much more to come. There's nothing quite like the (good) unexpected- or even better, you want something to happen, you're almost willing it to happen, and then it does.
So not only am I feeling lighter, I'm feeling relieved- and it's a good great feeling.
I have been wondering lately about how I managed to pull myself out
of the darkness that surrounded me in the days/weeks/months after Alex's
death. The truth is, I'm not sure that it's ever something that you
come out of; it just eventually becomes something that you're a part of.
You learn to carry your pain and heartache and you learn to live
through the constant sadness until one day you realize that this is now
your life. I realize that maybe that comes off as a bit dramatic or
depressing but I truly mean it in the sincerest way.
At
first I was a shell of my former self, literally and figuratively,
until I started to understand what my world now was. I somehow found a
way to get up each morning and take care of myself even though the pain
didn't lessen. You always hear "this will get better ... this will
pass"- I think what really happens is that YOU get better and YOU find a
way to continue living, but the pain and the confusion doesn't pass, it
doesn't get better, it doesn't all of a sudden start making sense. You
change, you adapt, and you learn a new way of viewing things.
If
there is one thing I've learned over the past nine months, it's that
life goes on. The world doesn't stop because you need it to, people
don't slow down, and people move on. It's hard to comprehend that your
world has now shifted completely while others have stayed the exact
same, but you need to come to terms with that eventually if you value
your sanity.
As hard as it is, I have started to accept
what has happened. When I say "accept" I do not mean that I understand
why, or that I'm okay with what happened to Alex, his family or to
myself, but I am accepting my new life. It takes too much energy
dwelling on the "what if's", I did that for months and months, and now
that I've stopped asking myself that question I feel so much lighter.
