This Sunday would have been Alex’s 25^th birthday and I've been thinking about him a lot lately, feeling very nostalgic. I’ll be doing something completely unrelated to him and all of a sudden a memory will pop into my head. Or someone will walk by me and the body lotion they used will take me back to summer days spent together in Montréal. A song will come on the radio that he used to love, a stranger walking by will have his walk, a show he used to watch will come up on my Netflix homepage- everything has been coming back to him.

I guess this is my little birthday tribute to him- I wish there could be more, I wish that memories weren't all that's left ... but I'm grateful that each and every memory is a good one. 

Montréal, Cuba, Bermuda & New Brunswick

Do You Know Who You Are?

If you head on over to the porch at Life, For Instance you will find Lori’s latest thought-provoking post: Do You Know Who You Are?

As I sat down with the intent to list out everything I think I am, I quickly realized that it’s not as easy as it looks. I have never been a fan of labels- I don’t like labeling other people, myself, my relationships, etc- but that is what I started doing. I recognized that each label I gave myself was accurate, however, it’s not how I want other people to view me, and it’s specifically not how I truly view myself.

So how do I see myself? Who am I? I’m not sure if I can articulate exactly how or who, but I’m going to try:

I am a person with very strong views and opinions on a lot of issues, but I struggle with ways to voice them.

I am a person who isn’t very good with confrontation, or sometimes basic conversation- I prefer writing down everything so that I can sort through my thoughts and emotions by myself first.

I am a highly sensitive person, but I do not show my emotions easily. I have to be poked and prodded before I give anything away.

I tread carefully when it comes to matters of the heart, but I understand that life is short and I want to love more freely.

I am someone who values my relationships- with my family, my friends and the person I’m dating. I always want to make sure the people in my life are happy and I want to help in any way I can.

Because of my past, I am an empathetic person. I find myself becoming very emotionally involved in situations that have nothing to do with me, but I feel like I can relate to them so easily.

I am a dreamer and a believer, a writer and a creator. I do all of that best when I’m close to the water.

I am a homebody but I love to travel and explore. I like the unknown that waits for me in places I’ve never visited and I like the comfort of my own bed waiting for me at home.

I am proud of how I carry myself. I still have days when the weight of missing Alex is so heavy that it seems impossible to do anything but lay in bed and dream of him- but I do get up. I carry my thoughts of him around with me, and it makes me feel better.

I try my best to live in the present without dwelling on the past or worrying about the future.

I am a free spirit who is willing to change and who understands that life is what you make of it.

That's who I am - how I see myself. Or at least, that's all I'm willing to give up at the moment.

Writer's Block

I've been experiencing some major writer's block recently and I think I've figured out why- I find it so much easier to write when I'm sad. When I'm sad, I write. It's always been so therapeutic for me, almost natural. It helps me manage all of my thoughts and drill down to the reasons behind the tears. So there's the "problem", I am not sad, at least not like I used to be. 

I keep thinking of myself and where I was a year ago, and I can remember it all so clearly but I'm not sure if I can entirely relate any more. The 21st of January would have been mine and Alex's three year anniversary, and last year the day held such a weight over me. This year it was nice just to remember Alex and to feel happy about the way we were while together. I didn't feel sorry for myself this year, I just felt nostalgic. 

Alex will always be a piece of my heart, and I feel like now it's just second nature to feel him there- I feel the familiarity of him and it makes me smile. It's almost as if I used to feel heavy with the memories and feelings, and now I feel light. He is, and always will be, a part of me- but now I feel like the pieces of me are coming back together again. 

I used to struggle with the "why me"'s and the "what if"'s a lot and it took me a long time to get past those thoughts and feelings- but I have. Something really terrible happened in my life, but it doesn't mean that my life is terrible. I have picked myself up, fallen back down and jumped up again. I have learned more about myself than I thought possible ... I know the darkest corners of my mind very well, but I also know the bright and happy centre. 

So writer's block, I've discovered, is not such a bad thing. I now recognize it as a sign of happiness.

A Time to Reflect

The holidays are upon us once again- soon it will be a brand new year, a chance for fresh starts and new beginnings, a perfect time to reflect. I'm going to take some time right now, before things get too hectic, to reflect on some of the things that 2013 taught me...

Maybe the most prominent is something that I already knew, but it really became clear this past year- bad things happen to good people. Bad things happen to everyone, and it is never fair or right or just. Death will always come, never welcome, to the best of families and the best of people. Knowing and realizing that brings me to my next thought-

When something good happens, experience it in the moment. Try to be as present as possible and hold on to the feelings that surround you at that time. These happy memories are the ones that you will cling to when you're feeling down or sad and it's important to cherish them. 

On that same note- don't sit and wait for something to happen to you, good or bad. Go out and seek it and try not to let your fears get in the way. After Alex died, my biggest fear was that someone else close to me was going to suddenly die as well. I would fret over the safety of everyone I loved at all times. I know that that doesn't sound like such a bad thing, but that fear took over me. I would worry so much when I didn't hear from someone and be reduced to tears and sobs over just the possibility that something had happened. I've only recently learned to control it, but there are still times when that familiar feeling of dread creeps on in and I have to talk myself out of calling everyone I know and making sure they are okay. 

2013 has also taught me that grief is something that doesn't end. It doesn't change as the days/weeks/months/years go by- the person who is grieving, however, changes. It somehow becomes easier to wake up and live, to go on. 

I hope that no matter what has happened to you this past year, you are able to take something out of it and learn and grow. 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! xx

Gratitude

It has been almost a full year since I started this blog and I can't even begin to express how therapeutic it has been for me. Not only has it allowed me to rant, ramble and sort through all kinds of different thoughts and emotions, it has allowed me to share with everyone how my life is ever changing and evolving since the death of Alex.

I started writing on here strictly for myself; as a way to organize and try and make sense of everything that had happened. After a few posts, I started to receive e-mails, comments and Facebook messages thanking me for my honesty, and urging me to keep going. To this day they continue to trickle in. It is a weird thing to have those things said to you for something as personal as this, and it is incredibly flattering.

This blog has received over 5,200 views in over 15 countries (!!!). I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to read it- it means so much to me. Especially to those of you who have reached out with similar stories- thank you for being brave and sharing your experiences.

- Sara xx